why do i have a livejournal

I thought restarting my livejournal would make me more interested in livejournaling, just the way that buying a new journal will rekindle my desire to journal. Somehow, I forgot to remember how I just cleaned out my giant drawer of almost blank journals.

It seems like livejournaling should be done so I will try. Here are short updates:

1. I quit my job and its hilarious how unhinged it made me and how little I care now. Agonizing over whether I should quit or not, beating myself into the ground because I looked at all my co-workers not losing their damn minds and wondering why I couldn't do the same. Having taken the job, I felt a sense of responsibly to see it out to the end and a desire to prove to myself that I could handle it, just like a normal person would. Finally, I gave two weeks notice, letting myself be talked into staying longer because idek.

Then two days later I came in early, dropped off my keycard and let a note saying I couldn't come into work anymore, sorry. I felt horrible about it for a little while, but then I took a nap and woke up and was like

In short, I'm a terrible person, but it works for me.

2. As per the gif, I began watching Sherlock and now I know WHAT EVERYONE WAS TALKING ABOUT. I'm reaching fucking nerd levels of obsession, but I happen to have this anti-fucking-nerd protection built into my brain. When things start to get close to embarrassing, I just tell myself I just can't like that thing that much. The other thing I recently had to do this with was Loki. Which I have learned is a popular tie in to Sherlock fandom. Fandom. Eh. I need a social life.

3. Livejournaling just seems sad. Should it get more exciting when I move to Ireland? Hopefully I'll be so busy and social and so utterly a different person that I won't even have time for the internet. Of course that's not likely to happen.


All I've ever wanted is to fit in. It's disgusting.

I've always felt different. The thing they try to teach you, in school, in therapy, in self-esteem building exercises for children is that you should embrace your differences, as they make you you and make the world an interesting and dynamic place. Unfortunately, examples of these celebrated differences seem to be limited to the "enjoying vanilla over chocolate" or "playing sports if you are a girl" variety.

It takes a sort of courage to be different. I don't have it.
Being different calls attention to you. I don't want it.

I would like to feel at ease. Comfortable in a group, comfortable with myself. This is hard to do when what I would like even more than that is to find whatever part of my brain has been wired incorrectly and cut it out.
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